a hate letter toward thanksgiving food

hope you guys are enjoying your leftover turkey

I apologize, readers, this is only a semi-serious post. This letter comes from a place where I believe I must write something about Thanksgiving. But anyone who truly knows me should know I really hate Thanksgiving. I think the history is crazily flawed, the food outstandingly mediocre, and the traditions boring. Also, I’m feeling like a hater right now.

If it’s a holiday about being thankful, I do believe we should eat food we’re thankful for. And if there’s one thing I’m not grateful for, it’s a turkey.

I think there’s nothing more awful than the idea that we spend hours and hours on this turkey, and it is truly nothing more than mediocre, ever. Not only that, but you’re left with piles of leftovers that you don’t truly know how to utilize. Never once have I looked at a turkey and salivated profusely. Does anybody truly look forward to the turkey each year, or truly consider it the most superior of protein options? Because it’s not. I’m sorry to tell you so, but you are direly wrong.

Next, the mashed potatoes, which I try to like every year. And every single year, it continues to fail me. Maybe it’s just the one my family has, but I hate the little chunks of potato that escaped the mashing procedure, and I hate the fact that it never ever seems to be flavored enough like anything. Not the worst part of Thanksgiving dinner, but certainly disappointing.

Another thing that’s never made sense to me is cranberry sauce. Why is it on the table? I don’t feel like it really goes with anything that’s in a traditional Thanksgiving meal— or is that just me going crazy.

My family always has a few personalized things for Thanksgiving. We have this excellent cheesy cauliflower which I always come for that dish alone. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as good this year. Then we also have sticky rice because we’re Chinese and must slot that in somewhere. I always feel bad for not enjoying that one as much. Hopefully, the ancestors aren’t mad.

Lastly, I’ve never ever tried that pumpkin pie. I’m not a pie hater— I’m actually open to enjoying a slice of apple pie biyearly or so. But could we not think of a better dessert? I think we could just try a little harder.

I really feel like I must reiterate the idea of eating food we’re thankful for on Thanksgiving. I am truly not thankful for anything on the traditional table. If I were to serve my own thankful Thanksgiving meal (count how many times I’ve said thankful in this post), I would have:

Appetizers:

• freeze-dried strawberries

• buttered popcorn

Mains:

• pho

• ramen

• udon

• the fish from the Chinese takeout place I really like

• green beans but from the Chinese takeout place I really like

• xiaolongbao

Drinks:

• peach Snapple

• strawberry lemonade

Desserts:

• vanilla milkshakes

• strawberry milkshakes

Please feel free to share what you’ll be eating at your very thankful Thanksgiving in the comments, I am very curious. Help me start a movement and abolish mediocre Thanksgiving!

Also most of this is a joke I swear. None of my turkey hate is though. Thanks!